Why didn’t you stay?

You said someday I will be able to spend,

All the time I want with you.

Telling me not to give up hope.

You etched those words onto paper,

So I would always remember.

The words haunt me,

Like the poison that took you away.

It works its way through me,

Paralyzing me.

My breathing becomes labored

As it reaches my heart.

Why couldn’t you stay,

And protect me from this pain?

Instead you left,

Without saying goodbye.

Leaving me to live,

With bad memories.

You weren’t there to make me laugh,

When I had a bad day.

You weren’t there,

When my heart got shattered into a million little pieces.

I had to pick up each piece by myself.

I needed you,

But you weren’t there.

You didn’t sit on the hot bleachers,

Watching me while the wind blew off my graduation cap,

While I waited to cross the platform,

That was ending that chapter in my life.

You weren’t there for important moments in my life.

I couldn’t show you my engagement ring,

After I was proposed to.

You will never meet my fiancé,

Or even be there on my wedding day.

Why didn’t you stay?

You left before you got to know me.

Never seeing the person I became,

And all of the obstacles I overcame.

You missed the day I began writing,

Never knowing that you wrote yourself.

I didn’t get to discover we had that in common,

Until you were already gone.

I sit here wanting to know you,

Knowing I will never be able to,

The way I deserve.

All I have are some pages in a book

And the stories people tell me.

I have foggy memories I can barely grasp.

Disjointed images from the past.

I can’t remember your voice,

Or the last time I heard it.

How long had it been,

Before I saw you lying in that bed?

Slipping away,

On that rainy July day.

I remember wishing that I could be enough,

For you to live each day coherently.

Instead you continued to drink the poison,

Until it finally consumed you.

Leaving me wondering,

Why I wasn’t ever enough?

Years went by before the anger began to subside.

The pain and loss hitting me at full force.

Now that my walls have come down,

I feel everything I had blocked for so long.

Wondering if I could have,

Stopped you from leaving.

If I hadn’t been angry

And  had spoken to you,

Would you still be here now?

Could I have stopped the poison,

From seeping into you,

Taking over your body?

All I want,

Is to go back,

and save you.

©Christie Cote

December 19, 2011

Barley Alive (Edit)

He stumbles through the door
Coming to be with me.
Driving from afar,
Barley able to see.

Not knowing the pain he felt,
Would be so much more.
I listen to the slur of words
Poring from his core. 

A flash of memories
Spirals through my head.
His innocent face
Looking back at me.
Hours spent on the phone.
Talking endlessly about anything and everything
He managed to escape for a night with me
At a homecoming dance.
We danced the night away
Before the magic slipped away.
Time went on.
One thing staying constant,
You and I.
A rainy day you ran away,
Hiding from danger.
You came to me.
I have always been your person

I stand here now
Wondering how it became this bad.
Seeing the mess in front of me,
I wonder how he is not dead.

His eyes glossy,
He shares his pain.
The girl who broke his heart
After he gave her everything.
Sharing those precious secrets with her
That only I had known before.
In the end love lost
Leaving only his best friend,
Me.

Hours went by before he was able to drive
Promising he would go right home.
I should have known.
He took the bottle from the backseat.
Never expecting the chrome
To collide with a tree.
Not knowing what happened.

He wasn’t aware of the glass in his hair
Unable to understand where the blood was comingfrom,
He fumbled with his phone,
Blood smearing from the gash on his thumb.

The message I received,
Was a disjointed mess.
I was only able to make out one word,
Blood.
Fear ran through me
Knowing what he wouldn’t want to confess.
The mistake I made by letting him go.
I felt disappointment arrive
Then anger and guilt followed.
I never thought he would lie to me,
Knowing how much I Abhor
Drinking and Driving.

© Christie Cote

Barely Alive

He stumbles through the door

Coming to see me

Driving from afar

Barley able to see

Not knowing the pain he felt now

Would be so much more

I listened to the slur of words

Pouring from his core

A flash of memories

Spirals through my head

Wondering how it became this bad

“He is lucky he is not dead”

I whisper under my breath

Not knowing how true

Those words would come to be

Wishing he had a clue

Hours went by before he was able to drive

Promising me he would go right home

He took the bottle from the backseat

Never expecting the chrome

To collide with a tree

Not aware of the glass in his hair

Unable to understand where the blood was coming from

He fumbled with his phone

Blood smearing from the gash on his thumb

The message that came

Was a disjointed mess

Fear ran through me

Knowing what he wouldn’t want to confess

The mistake I made by letting him go

Thinking his promise

Would hold until tomorrow

Knowing how much I abhor

Drinking and driving

With luck he would live

With the police arriving

© Christie Cote

March 25, 2011