Why didn’t you stay?

You said someday I will be able to spend,

All the time I want with you.

Telling me not to give up hope.

You etched those words onto paper,

So I would always remember.

The words haunt me,

Like the poison that took you away.

It works its way through me,

Paralyzing me.

My breathing becomes labored

As it reaches my heart.

Why couldn’t you stay,

And protect me from this pain?

Instead you left,

Without saying goodbye.

Leaving me to live,

With bad memories.

You weren’t there to make me laugh,

When I had a bad day.

You weren’t there,

When my heart got shattered into a million little pieces.

I had to pick up each piece by myself.

I needed you,

But you weren’t there.

You didn’t sit on the hot bleachers,

Watching me while the wind blew off my graduation cap,

While I waited to cross the platform,

That was ending that chapter in my life.

You weren’t there for important moments in my life.

I couldn’t show you my engagement ring,

After I was proposed to.

You will never meet my fiancé,

Or even be there on my wedding day.

Why didn’t you stay?

You left before you got to know me.

Never seeing the person I became,

And all of the obstacles I overcame.

You missed the day I began writing,

Never knowing that you wrote yourself.

I didn’t get to discover we had that in common,

Until you were already gone.

I sit here wanting to know you,

Knowing I will never be able to,

The way I deserve.

All I have are some pages in a book

And the stories people tell me.

I have foggy memories I can barely grasp.

Disjointed images from the past.

I can’t remember your voice,

Or the last time I heard it.

How long had it been,

Before I saw you lying in that bed?

Slipping away,

On that rainy July day.

I remember wishing that I could be enough,

For you to live each day coherently.

Instead you continued to drink the poison,

Until it finally consumed you.

Leaving me wondering,

Why I wasn’t ever enough?

Years went by before the anger began to subside.

The pain and loss hitting me at full force.

Now that my walls have come down,

I feel everything I had blocked for so long.

Wondering if I could have,

Stopped you from leaving.

If I hadn’t been angry

And  had spoken to you,

Would you still be here now?

Could I have stopped the poison,

From seeping into you,

Taking over your body?

All I want,

Is to go back,

and save you.

©Christie Cote

December 19, 2011

I’m a Lancaster (Knowledge edit)

I step into the horse drawn carriage
Ready to take me on my way.
Completing my final year of school
I daydream about school past 8th grade.
High school and college is forbidden.

All of the things I could learn
Like how to drive a car
Separates me from my family.
It is impossible to be different
While living among my people.
When my 16th birthday arrives
I can participate in Rumspringa
Tempting me further
Into the world outside.

I feel my heart breach.
Knowing the pain of leaving them
Would slice through my heart.
Something irreconcilable, 
The price I would have to pay
To have new experiences.

The carriage halts in front of my sanctuary,
A one room school the students share.
Smoothing down my plain black dress,
I feel the same caged texture I do every day.
I Imagine wearing a bright pink shirt and jeans
An image that would never come to be.

I feel the wind swiftly blow,
Loosening my bonnet.
Giving me the desire to let it blow off
Letting the wind whip through my hair.
To have a moment where I’m not composed,
Kicking off my shoes
So I can feel the grass between my toes.
Dancing to the feeling I have inside.

Instead I tighten it,
Securing the white material to my head.
Composed, I enter the room lit by candles
Taking my seat, prepared to learn
Enjoying this luxury while it lasts.
Once I complete this year
I will never see the inside of a school again.
To keep from disappointing my family,
I have to forget about my dream.

© Christie Cote

Barley Alive (Edit)

He stumbles through the door
Coming to be with me.
Driving from afar,
Barley able to see.

Not knowing the pain he felt,
Would be so much more.
I listen to the slur of words
Poring from his core. 

A flash of memories
Spirals through my head.
His innocent face
Looking back at me.
Hours spent on the phone.
Talking endlessly about anything and everything
He managed to escape for a night with me
At a homecoming dance.
We danced the night away
Before the magic slipped away.
Time went on.
One thing staying constant,
You and I.
A rainy day you ran away,
Hiding from danger.
You came to me.
I have always been your person

I stand here now
Wondering how it became this bad.
Seeing the mess in front of me,
I wonder how he is not dead.

His eyes glossy,
He shares his pain.
The girl who broke his heart
After he gave her everything.
Sharing those precious secrets with her
That only I had known before.
In the end love lost
Leaving only his best friend,
Me.

Hours went by before he was able to drive
Promising he would go right home.
I should have known.
He took the bottle from the backseat.
Never expecting the chrome
To collide with a tree.
Not knowing what happened.

He wasn’t aware of the glass in his hair
Unable to understand where the blood was comingfrom,
He fumbled with his phone,
Blood smearing from the gash on his thumb.

The message I received,
Was a disjointed mess.
I was only able to make out one word,
Blood.
Fear ran through me
Knowing what he wouldn’t want to confess.
The mistake I made by letting him go.
I felt disappointment arrive
Then anger and guilt followed.
I never thought he would lie to me,
Knowing how much I Abhor
Drinking and Driving.

© Christie Cote

I Persevere (edit to "Fate")

This game you play
Is very dangerous.
Like jumping out of a plane and
Forgetting your parachute.

You act innocent,
Like an angel from above.
Pure and fragile.
Your act only works on a crowd,
I’m not part of it.
I see you for who you are.
Stripping away your white mask
That fools everyone else.
Revealing the darkness underneath.
Not appreciative of what you already have
You steal from others.
Acting like you’re their friend
Before flipping the switch.

You start a war.
When I’m winning
You retreat.
Finding higher authority
Hiding behind them
Like I’m the one
Who committed treason
Stabbing one of my own.
You can try to frame me
But the truth will come out,
As soon as they find your fingerprints.

You didn’t expect me to fight back
When you first attacked.
Thinking it was easy to bring me down.
Sorry to disappoint you
I’m not defeated, just like that.
Don’t brake a nail
Leave the scratching to a cat.
I don’t pull hair, a powerless act.
I connect my fist with your face
Enjoying the feeling of first to jaw
As blood splashes on my skin.

You may have begun this war
Trying to take advantage of me.
Fighting dirty.
Despair will only fall on you.
I will finish first
Every time.
I fight for victory
Never backing down.
The strength I have will shock you.

Think again before throwing punches my way.
I will dodge every one.
Your energy will be wasted
You will only be defeated.

If you choose to fight anyways
Finish what you started.
You can’t retreat and hide
Just because you are losing.
In the end I will find you,
Making you compensate 
For all you have done.

The plane couldn’t save you.
I watch you fall through the air.
Eventually your body will crash to the ground,
With nothing there to stop you
But the branches scraping across your skin.

Causing you every bit of pain
You inflicted on me.
As your body is sprawled out on the ground
I hope you suffer.
Remembering you caused this
All because you played dangerously
You didn’t have a parachute.
You have nothing left,
I persevere.

© Christie Cote
May 6, 2011

The shadow of pain....
               ... is the beginning of Happiness


© Christie Cote

Serenity

I hear the vibration of words cling to my ear.

The shouting whisper claims my attention.

Sending my heart pounding with fear.

Your voice echoes with the words you “forgot” to mention.

I feel the ground around me start to shake

Glass slices through me as the windows shatter.

The walls have fallen. I’m all that is left in its wake,

Leaving my lifeless body like it doesn’t matter.

I hear a faint enchanting voice as I lift my head

Fighting to keep my eyes open as darkness tries to claim them.

When the figure appears I realize I must be dead.

Gracing me with a smile, she hands me a radiant gem.

Gleaming brightly, the light engulfs me.

The serenity it offers is where I yearn to be.

© Christie Cote

April 10, 2011

Morning Sunlight

Morning sunlight ripples across the river’s surface

A picture perfect moment

That goes unnoticed.

Everyone is in a hurry,

Rushing to work, consuming their coffee

Never taking a second

To claim the beauty

That could be theirs to possess

We take the precious events for granted

Like being able to sit under the sun

Feeling the breeze swiftly passing you.

Not thinking that someday these luxuries may not be available

What if morning came without sun?

Then would we stop and notice,

Take our time to hear the bird’s story

That he sings to us each morning

Instead of hitting the snooze

Open yourself to the world outside

Appreciate what is waiting outside the door.

© Christie Cote

January 23, 2011

Barely Alive

He stumbles through the door

Coming to see me

Driving from afar

Barley able to see

Not knowing the pain he felt now

Would be so much more

I listened to the slur of words

Pouring from his core

A flash of memories

Spirals through my head

Wondering how it became this bad

“He is lucky he is not dead”

I whisper under my breath

Not knowing how true

Those words would come to be

Wishing he had a clue

Hours went by before he was able to drive

Promising me he would go right home

He took the bottle from the backseat

Never expecting the chrome

To collide with a tree

Not aware of the glass in his hair

Unable to understand where the blood was coming from

He fumbled with his phone

Blood smearing from the gash on his thumb

The message that came

Was a disjointed mess

Fear ran through me

Knowing what he wouldn’t want to confess

The mistake I made by letting him go

Thinking his promise

Would hold until tomorrow

Knowing how much I abhor

Drinking and driving

With luck he would live

With the police arriving

© Christie Cote

March 25, 2011

Knowledge

I step into the horse drawn carriage

Ready to take me on my way

Completing my final year of school

I day dream about school past 8^th grade

All of the things I could learn

Separating me from my family

It is impossible to be different

While living among my people

I feel my heart catch

Knowing the pain of leaving them

Would slice through my heart

The price I would have to pay

To have new experiences

The carriage stops in front of my sanctuary

The one room school we all share

I step out gracefully

Smoothing down my plain black dress

I feel the same caged texture I do every day

I feel the wind blow

Loosening my bonnet

Giving me the desire to take it off

Letting the wind whip through my hair

Instead I tighten it,

Securing the white material to my head

I enter the room lit by candles

Electricity does not exist for me

That world seems so far away

I take my seat

Enjoying this luxury while it lasts

Knowing once I complete this year

I will not see the inside of a school again

© Christie Cote

February 27, 2011

Left in the Desert

Love is to open sky

As loathing is to hell

How easily and swiftly

One can turn into another

One moment we are holding hands

The next I’m crying

Your cruel words

Cutting me,

Tearing me into pieces

You didn’t think twice

Before telling me all the lies

Was any of it true?

My heart was your toy

Never caring if you broke it

Because you already had another

I was naive to trust you

Thinking you wouldn’t do to me

What I watched you do to her

Promises broken

You took everything from me

Knowing you had everything

You left me in the desert

Without water

Not caring if I made it out

Here I am

ALIVE

With the strength

You never cared to see

I hope when you see me now

You fill with regret

Feeling the hell you tried to bring on me

The fire never reaching me

While depths of hell consumes you

My fate is left to the open sky

With all of the possibilities

That I possess now

I am free

The burden of you is gone

Letting me breath in the fresh air

Exhilarating me

© Christie Cote

February 9, 2011

Morning Sunlight

Morning sunlight ripples across the rivers surface

A picture perfect moment

That goes unnoticed

Everyone is in a hurry

Never taking a moment

To take in the beauty

We take these things for granted

Not thinking that someday these luxuries may not be here

What if morning came without sun?

Then will we stop and notice?

Taking time to hear the bird’s story

That he sings to us each morning

Instead of hitting the snooze

Open yourself to the world outside

Appreciate what is waiting outside the door

© Christie Cote

January 23, 2011

Fate

This game you play

Is very dangerous

Like jumping out of a plane

Forgetting your parachute

You act innocent

Like an angel

From above

Pure and fragile

Guess again

Your act only works on a crowd

I’m not part of it

I see you for who you are

Stripping away the mask

That fools everyone else

You start a war

When I’m winning

You retreat 

Finding higher authority

Hiding behind them

Like I’m the one

Who committed treason

Harming one of my own

You didn’t expect me to fight back

When you first attacked

Sorry to disappoint you

I’m not defeated

Just like that

You may have begun this war

Trying to take an advantage over me

Despair will only fall on you

I will finish first

every time

I fight for victory

Never backing down

Think again

Before throwing punches my way

If you choose to anyways

Finish what you started 

You can’t hide

Just because things

Don’t go your way

In the end you will pay

Eventually your body

Will crash to the ground

With nothing there to stop you

But the last feeling

Of branches

Causing you every bit of pain

You inflicted on me

All because you played dangerously

Leaving behind your parachute

Fate claims you

© Christie Cote

October 26, 2010

To the mean girl(s) in my past. You know who you are! I always Persevere.

Scars

The scars that mark me

Can’t be seen

They wrap themselves around

A fragile part of me

Where I feel every one

Some start out small

Even unnoticeable

Until they grow

Not being able to ignore

The pain that is really there

It was hidden for so long

The appearance hits me hard

Taking my breath away

Somehow my heart still beats

With the scars that cover it

This heart once unmarked

Is a canvas for scars

They seem to spread

Like a burning fire

That can’t be put out

I feel each one

Like I’m touching the flame

The burning starts out subtle

Then becomes unbearable

To lose this pain

I must reconcile

The mistake I made

So long ago

I can’t hide

The pain I feel inside

It is too strong

To hold onto

Without losing hope

Happiness so far away

My heart wont be content

Until certain scars are healed

© Christie Cote

September 30,2010

Distant Memory

Tears spill down my face

I just can't get away

This pain

So real, so deep

Consumes my heart

Who do you think you are?

Winning me

The prize you sought

Then throwing me away

Like a worthless souvenir

You picked up along the way

I looked for the good

That I thought I saw

Giving you a chance

To hold my heart

Instead you crushed it

Without a care

Stripping the mask you held

Finding the cold heart

Hidden beneath

Don't have feelings

I don't care to stay

This game you play

Won't touch me

Soon you will see

How strong I can be

Soon you will be

Like a distant memory

A beautiful rose

With thorns that pierced me

The wounds heal

As if it never happened

It will be

As if you don't exist

©Christie cote

October 21, 2010

For Adair Doe

The Beauty Of The Sun

When the sun sets

It's a beauty of

All the memories

You have...

And when the world goes dark

Things seem impossible...

But don't give up

The Sun will rise once again

© Christie Cote

December 6, 2005

Looking Back

Today I find myself

Looking back

Thinking about how it should have been

Regrets are spread across the past

Trading in people who mattered

For one unforgiving mistake

Wanting to go back

Choosing the other path

Life has found its way

To where I am today

This person I have become

Is who I want to be

Both roads would have lead to here and now

Unfortunately the path I followed

Left behind the people

Who mattered most 

My heart feels the loss

I clearly still care

After all this time

I have the memories stored

And the thoughts of the ones that could have been

I can never get back

What I lost

Part of me hoping they understand

Disappointment in myself

For going against

Everything I was

Turning into a robot

Who couldn’t make choices

Or let my own voice be heard

When I went down that path

I became programmed

Stuck until I overrode it

Finding my voice again

Knowing I wasn’t the only one

Who got hurt in the process

Part of my life was taken away

A part I will never get back

My heart

Will always bare the scar

That will have the memories underneath

No matter where life takes me

I will always remember

© Christie Cote

August 4, 2010

Best Friends Forever

It’s been so long

Since that first day

Of second grade

We found each other

And stuck together

We were shy back then

We were just each other’s friend

Best friends is what we become

Deciding we would stay that way

Life was more simple then

We could carelessly play

Not thinking we were in any danger

As we got older

Our choice of friends changed

But we still held on

To our friendship

The day came that I had to move away

Leaving my best friend behind

Life wasn’t the same

No one can replace

The special bond we made

Most friends come and go

But we were best friends for life

Over the years

We have grown apart

Lost touch for long periods of time

In the end

We have always found each other again

Our friendship is stronger than most

No matter where life takes us

And how different we become

We can always count on each other

That’s what best friends do

© Christie Cote

July 25, 2010

For Amber Bessette