Why didn’t you stay?

You said someday I will be able to spend,

All the time I want with you.

Telling me not to give up hope.

You etched those words onto paper,

So I would always remember.

The words haunt me,

Like the poison that took you away.

It works its way through me,

Paralyzing me.

My breathing becomes labored

As it reaches my heart.

Why couldn’t you stay,

And protect me from this pain?

Instead you left,

Without saying goodbye.

Leaving me to live,

With bad memories.

You weren’t there to make me laugh,

When I had a bad day.

You weren’t there,

When my heart got shattered into a million little pieces.

I had to pick up each piece by myself.

I needed you,

But you weren’t there.

You didn’t sit on the hot bleachers,

Watching me while the wind blew off my graduation cap,

While I waited to cross the platform,

That was ending that chapter in my life.

You weren’t there for important moments in my life.

I couldn’t show you my engagement ring,

After I was proposed to.

You will never meet my fiancé,

Or even be there on my wedding day.

Why didn’t you stay?

You left before you got to know me.

Never seeing the person I became,

And all of the obstacles I overcame.

You missed the day I began writing,

Never knowing that you wrote yourself.

I didn’t get to discover we had that in common,

Until you were already gone.

I sit here wanting to know you,

Knowing I will never be able to,

The way I deserve.

All I have are some pages in a book

And the stories people tell me.

I have foggy memories I can barely grasp.

Disjointed images from the past.

I can’t remember your voice,

Or the last time I heard it.

How long had it been,

Before I saw you lying in that bed?

Slipping away,

On that rainy July day.

I remember wishing that I could be enough,

For you to live each day coherently.

Instead you continued to drink the poison,

Until it finally consumed you.

Leaving me wondering,

Why I wasn’t ever enough?

Years went by before the anger began to subside.

The pain and loss hitting me at full force.

Now that my walls have come down,

I feel everything I had blocked for so long.

Wondering if I could have,

Stopped you from leaving.

If I hadn’t been angry

And  had spoken to you,

Would you still be here now?

Could I have stopped the poison,

From seeping into you,

Taking over your body?

All I want,

Is to go back,

and save you.

©Christie Cote

December 19, 2011

The shadow of pain....
               ... is the beginning of Happiness


© Christie Cote

Serenity

I hear the vibration of words cling to my ear.

The shouting whisper claims my attention.

Sending my heart pounding with fear.

Your voice echoes with the words you “forgot” to mention.

I feel the ground around me start to shake

Glass slices through me as the windows shatter.

The walls have fallen. I’m all that is left in its wake,

Leaving my lifeless body like it doesn’t matter.

I hear a faint enchanting voice as I lift my head

Fighting to keep my eyes open as darkness tries to claim them.

When the figure appears I realize I must be dead.

Gracing me with a smile, she hands me a radiant gem.

Gleaming brightly, the light engulfs me.

The serenity it offers is where I yearn to be.

© Christie Cote

April 10, 2011

Barely Alive

He stumbles through the door

Coming to see me

Driving from afar

Barley able to see

Not knowing the pain he felt now

Would be so much more

I listened to the slur of words

Pouring from his core

A flash of memories

Spirals through my head

Wondering how it became this bad

“He is lucky he is not dead”

I whisper under my breath

Not knowing how true

Those words would come to be

Wishing he had a clue

Hours went by before he was able to drive

Promising me he would go right home

He took the bottle from the backseat

Never expecting the chrome

To collide with a tree

Not aware of the glass in his hair

Unable to understand where the blood was coming from

He fumbled with his phone

Blood smearing from the gash on his thumb

The message that came

Was a disjointed mess

Fear ran through me

Knowing what he wouldn’t want to confess

The mistake I made by letting him go

Thinking his promise

Would hold until tomorrow

Knowing how much I abhor

Drinking and driving

With luck he would live

With the police arriving

© Christie Cote

March 25, 2011

Left in the Desert

Love is to open sky

As loathing is to hell

How easily and swiftly

One can turn into another

One moment we are holding hands

The next I’m crying

Your cruel words

Cutting me,

Tearing me into pieces

You didn’t think twice

Before telling me all the lies

Was any of it true?

My heart was your toy

Never caring if you broke it

Because you already had another

I was naive to trust you

Thinking you wouldn’t do to me

What I watched you do to her

Promises broken

You took everything from me

Knowing you had everything

You left me in the desert

Without water

Not caring if I made it out

Here I am

ALIVE

With the strength

You never cared to see

I hope when you see me now

You fill with regret

Feeling the hell you tried to bring on me

The fire never reaching me

While depths of hell consumes you

My fate is left to the open sky

With all of the possibilities

That I possess now

I am free

The burden of you is gone

Letting me breath in the fresh air

Exhilarating me

© Christie Cote

February 9, 2011

Fate

This game you play

Is very dangerous

Like jumping out of a plane

Forgetting your parachute

You act innocent

Like an angel

From above

Pure and fragile

Guess again

Your act only works on a crowd

I’m not part of it

I see you for who you are

Stripping away the mask

That fools everyone else

You start a war

When I’m winning

You retreat 

Finding higher authority

Hiding behind them

Like I’m the one

Who committed treason

Harming one of my own

You didn’t expect me to fight back

When you first attacked

Sorry to disappoint you

I’m not defeated

Just like that

You may have begun this war

Trying to take an advantage over me

Despair will only fall on you

I will finish first

every time

I fight for victory

Never backing down

Think again

Before throwing punches my way

If you choose to anyways

Finish what you started 

You can’t hide

Just because things

Don’t go your way

In the end you will pay

Eventually your body

Will crash to the ground

With nothing there to stop you

But the last feeling

Of branches

Causing you every bit of pain

You inflicted on me

All because you played dangerously

Leaving behind your parachute

Fate claims you

© Christie Cote

October 26, 2010

To the mean girl(s) in my past. You know who you are! I always Persevere.

Distant Memory

Tears spill down my face

I just can't get away

This pain

So real, so deep

Consumes my heart

Who do you think you are?

Winning me

The prize you sought

Then throwing me away

Like a worthless souvenir

You picked up along the way

I looked for the good

That I thought I saw

Giving you a chance

To hold my heart

Instead you crushed it

Without a care

Stripping the mask you held

Finding the cold heart

Hidden beneath

Don't have feelings

I don't care to stay

This game you play

Won't touch me

Soon you will see

How strong I can be

Soon you will be

Like a distant memory

A beautiful rose

With thorns that pierced me

The wounds heal

As if it never happened

It will be

As if you don't exist

©Christie cote

October 21, 2010

For Adair Doe

Looking Back

Today I find myself

Looking back

Thinking about how it should have been

Regrets are spread across the past

Trading in people who mattered

For one unforgiving mistake

Wanting to go back

Choosing the other path

Life has found its way

To where I am today

This person I have become

Is who I want to be

Both roads would have lead to here and now

Unfortunately the path I followed

Left behind the people

Who mattered most 

My heart feels the loss

I clearly still care

After all this time

I have the memories stored

And the thoughts of the ones that could have been

I can never get back

What I lost

Part of me hoping they understand

Disappointment in myself

For going against

Everything I was

Turning into a robot

Who couldn’t make choices

Or let my own voice be heard

When I went down that path

I became programmed

Stuck until I overrode it

Finding my voice again

Knowing I wasn’t the only one

Who got hurt in the process

Part of my life was taken away

A part I will never get back

My heart

Will always bare the scar

That will have the memories underneath

No matter where life takes me

I will always remember

© Christie Cote

August 4, 2010

I didn’t realize how broken I was inside

I didn’t realize how broken I was inside

My heart was shattered so long ago

I didn’t know it had never healed

Until you started to put the pieces back together

Without even knowing you were

I have started to feel things

That I forgot I could feel

My heart is dancing

To the joy it feels once again

Making me know everything will be ok

You always know what to say

To make me smile

The more we talk

The more the feelings grow

It is scary and exciting

All at the same time

I’m beginning a new adventure

Seeing where it leads

Maybe it could be better

Then I ever thought it could be

©Christie Cote

October 20, 2009

Look at me now

Look at me now

I can move without your help

I can be who I really am inside

You held me back

Drowning me in fear

Now I’m stepping out of my cage

And running free

Free from everything you wanted me to be

Now I can just be me

I feel happy now

Having control again

My life is mine

I don’t expect you to understand

I don’t want you to drag me down

And bring me back to the past

I’m living now

Moving forward with my life

Instead of being stuck in place

Where you had kept me

Just let me find myself

Everything is different now

I have opened my eyes

Seeing everything in a new light

This is where I want to be

Don’t try to take this from me

I’m stronger now

I won’t lose myself

Like I did before

I’m not crying anymore

I’m truly smiling

For the first time

In a very long time

Look at me now

You won’t see who was there before

I broke free

And now I’m who I want to be

© Christie Cote

September 27,2009