Why didn’t you stay?
You said someday I will be able to spend,
All the time I want with you.
Telling me not to give up hope.
You etched those words onto paper,
So I would always remember.
The words haunt me,
Like the poison that took you away.
It works its way through me,
Paralyzing me.
My breathing becomes labored
As it reaches my heart.
Why couldn’t you stay,
And protect me from this pain?
Instead you left,
Without saying goodbye.
Leaving me to live,
With bad memories.
You weren’t there to make me laugh,
When I had a bad day.
You weren’t there,
When my heart got shattered into a million little pieces.
I had to pick up each piece by myself.
I needed you,
But you weren’t there.
You didn’t sit on the hot bleachers,
Watching me while the wind blew off my graduation cap,
While I waited to cross the platform,
That was ending that chapter in my life.
You weren’t there for important moments in my life.
I couldn’t show you my engagement ring,
After I was proposed to.
You will never meet my fiancé,
Or even be there on my wedding day.
Why didn’t you stay?
You left before you got to know me.
Never seeing the person I became,
And all of the obstacles I overcame.
You missed the day I began writing,
Never knowing that you wrote yourself.
I didn’t get to discover we had that in common,
Until you were already gone.
I sit here wanting to know you,
Knowing I will never be able to,
The way I deserve.
All I have are some pages in a book
And the stories people tell me.
I have foggy memories I can barely grasp.
Disjointed images from the past.
I can’t remember your voice,
Or the last time I heard it.
How long had it been,
Before I saw you lying in that bed?
Slipping away,
On that rainy July day.
I remember wishing that I could be enough,
For you to live each day coherently.
Instead you continued to drink the poison,
Until it finally consumed you.
Leaving me wondering,
Why I wasn’t ever enough?
Years went by before the anger began to subside.
The pain and loss hitting me at full force.
Now that my walls have come down,
I feel everything I had blocked for so long.
Wondering if I could have,
Stopped you from leaving.
If I hadn’t been angry
And had spoken to
you,
Would you still be here now?
Could I have stopped the poison,
From seeping into you,
Taking over your body?
All I want,
Is to go back,
and save you.
©Christie Cote
December 19, 2011
